


I Swear That I'll Be Fine

by gonerr



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Manipulation, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:06:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonerr/pseuds/gonerr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was sick of it. He didn't need anyone telling him when to eat, when to take his medication, or even when to sleep.</p>
<p>Only he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just give this a chance?  
> Also Panic! At The Disco didn't happen in this story!
> 
> Title from; Ghosts by PVRIS

Brendon wasn't a baby, he wasn't a small child. He was a twenty-two year old man and who didn't require constant help or attention. He was sick of it. He didn't need anyone telling him when to eat, when to take his medication, or even when to sleep. 

Only he did.

If no one was here to tell him to, he probably would forget to eat, forget to take his medication, and maybe forget to sleep. He was in another world, lost in his own thoughts all the time, and everyone noticed. 

But no one tried finding him. Or so he thought.

~~~

" _Eat._ " 

Brendon looked up from his plate and found Pete leaning against the kitchen door frame, staring at him with a blank expression on his face. He stared back, until he could feel his heart clench and his eyes water, then looked back down at his plate. Tonight, Patrick made spaghetti. And Brendon loved spaghetti, but his mouth refused to open and chew it and swallow it and gain weight and--

"I'm not very hungry--" Brendon began, regretting as soon as it came out.

"Goddamnit, Brendon! Eat! You've lost too much weight, and you need to gain something!" Pete urged, eyes big and upset. He rushed over to Brendon's side, and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him, not roughly, but enough to make Brendon's head ache. Pete was shouting things and his voice broke but he continued and Brendon couldn't comprehend anything until he was sitting on his bed, his tears flowing freely and sobs making him shake. He could hear Patrick calming Pete downstairs, but he couldn't hear himself think.

After awhile, Brendon was able to calm down, and stop crying. It was 8:14 p.m., and he didn't have much energy to do anything but sleep.  _  
_

~~~

"How've you been?" Jon asked him, sliding a cup of coffee towards Brendon. He slipped into the booth for two people, smiling.

There were many ways to answer Jon's question, but it didn't seem like honesty was what he wanted to hear. Even if they both already knew the answer, a little white lie seemed so much more reassuring and comforting.

"I've been great. Walking Bogart, enjoying views and catching up on stuff. Don't even get me started on the food." Brendon laughed, making sure to add the most joyful grin he could. "What about you? How have you been, Jon Walker?" 

Jon smiled, taking a sip of his coffee. Not even seconds after putting it back down, he began telling Brendon about all his travels to Europe, and to Asia, and to Africa. All the beautiful sights and all the beautiful things he witnessed. He began telling Brendon how he finally got the guts to ask Cassie to marry him, and how she cried and nodded and said, "yes, yes of course I will, did you even have to ask you idiot" and Brendon smiled at all the right times, and he laughed at the right times and he said all the right things.

"That's awesome! You guys are going to make the best babies ever," Brendon chuckled, "And they'll be extra extra cute." 

Jon laughed and playfully added, 'duh' before laughing again. He smiled at Brendon, and nudged his foot slightly, smiling softer.

"You know, you have people who care about you surrounding you." He stared at Brendon, his soft smile staying in place. Brendon purposely kept his gaze on his coffee, and he played with the cup before nodding, and faking another smile again.

"I know, Jon Walker. I know."

He found it a bit annoying that everyone thought he couldn't handle the pain of Ryan leaving him for someone else, but he could. He would show them. He was perfectly fine and it didn't matter to him that Ryan found someone better. In fact, he was glad for Ryan. Honestly, he was. He would willingly still do anything for Ryan Ross, but it was Ryan who didn't want anything to do with him. 

Jon finished his coffee, and put his mug down. He stared at his cup quietly, and opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it. Then he tilted his head slightly, keeping his eyes on the empty mug. Brendon knew he was debating whether or not to say something. Quite honestly, Brendon wished he would just say it so that the time would pass quicker and he could get home and be alone.

"Brendon," Jon mumbled. "Brendon, you. You look thinner than the last time I saw you. And that was just a week ago." 

'Jon, really. I'm fine, I've just been exercising and busy with uhm, my schedule. Money doesn't grow on trees, ya'know." He forced a laugh. "Besides, I always eat. I'm always eating, so I'm great at gaining weight. Everyone knows that." 

Jon looked uncomfortable and ordered another coffee, forcing a smile at the waitress as she walked away. He avoided Brendon's gaze until she came back with the coffee, and he had his hand around the mug. 

"Brendon, Shane told me--"

"Fuck what Shane said, Jon. Shane isn't me. No one knows me better than I know myself, alright?" 

And just like that, Jon threw him a sad smile and grabbed his jacket. 

"Ryan Ross can be stupid sometimes, Bren." He smiled and gave Brendon a quick kiss on his forehead and walked out the door. The little bell on the door rung and reminded Brendon he was once again, alone.

He looked down and avoided looking at Jon's unfinished coffee.

~~~

"I'm sorry Brendon, I just, I'm worried, okay? I'm really fucking worried about you. You're twenty-two years old, but you don't look twenty-two. Even your doctor told you you're way underweight. Please, Brendon," Shane knocked on his door again, and again, and again. It's been about ten minutes since they got into an argument, and Brendon's in his room, on his bed again. He's not crying, he's just laying down.

He's not thinking. And he's not hoping, or wishing, or regretting anything.

He just misses thinking life is worth living.

"For fuck's sake, Brendon!" He hears Shane yell before going silent. Then there's footsteps, walking down the hall and down the stairs and then the door slams shut. And then when he's sure he's alone, he allows himself to drop a few silent tears.

~~~

"Brendon," Patrick sighs, sitting across from him. Pete sits next to him, and Shane sits next to him.

Brendon could only stare back at them, he's actually confused as to why they're all wanting to talk to him at once. Shouldn't Shane be at work? And shouldn't Patrick be at work with Joe and Andy? Shouldn't Pete be wherever Pete goes?

"You flushed your pills, and you haven't been sleeping." Pete says with a blank stare. 

"You installed a fucking camera in my room? What the fuck?" He feels his own voice rise higher than usual, and as much as he wants to calm down, he knows he can't. "Ever hear of privacy? Yeah, it's pretty fucking valuable."

He knows he's made Patrick feel guilty, just by the look he's giving him. But he knows Pete and Shane think they did it for good, and they aren't changing their minds about it. He gives up quickly.

"You need to eat, Brendon. You're what? You weigh as much as a thirteen year old and you're twenty-two. You need to sleep, because you need to relax and oh yeah, be healthy. And your pills do you good, Brendon. You can let Ross go now."

"This isn't about Ryan." Brendon states, keeping his eyes on the TV. Something about Discovery Channel was pretty great.

"Of course it isn't. It's about you and Ryan." Shane says.

Brendon had every right to throw the remote control at Shane, he did. It didn't stop him from feeling guilty the moment it hit Shane right in his left eye, but it sure made him feel like he had the tiniest bit of control. 

~~~

Pete was the only one home, so he was the only who would be able to cuddle Brendon. That's why Brendon crawled into Pete's lap and let his head rest on Pete's chest. He felt Pete's arms wrap around his waist and he felt Pete tense slightly when his hand skimmed over Brendon's ribs. But he didn't say anything and he kept quiet, much to Brendon's relief. 

On the TV, Donnie Darko was having a conversation with his father about bullshitters.

Pete smiled ever so often when he caught Brendon looking at him, and Brendon smiled back. Patrick would be home in a few minutes and Brendon would snuggle him as well. It was no option to snuggle Patrick Stump.

Only in the middle of his thoughts, Brendon's phone rang. And the call was from an unknown number, but that didn't stop Brendon from answering.

"Hello?" He asked in a tone that suggested im-polite-as- _hell_.

"Hey Bden. It's Ryan," the voice on the other end said.

 

 


	2. It's Wrong, But Surely Worst To Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone asked for a tiny continuation for this, so here it is :)

_"He hurt you, Brendon."_

_"But he's making the hurt go away. So it's okay._ _"_

_* * *_

_"_ So Ryan wants to see you?" Jon asks, making circles on the table with his finger.

Ryan had called Brendon, and they talked and he made Brendon laugh and then Brendon made him laugh. Before ending the call, Ryan even asked Brendon to get coffee or something with him. Tomorrow, they'll see each other for the first time in a year and it'll be amazing.

"He did! Gosh, I can't wait." Brendon replies, squealing just the slightest bit. "I bet he's still perfect."

"Nope, still far from it, actually." another voice says. And it sounds slightly familiar, so Brendon looks up and finds crystal blue eyes in contact with his boring brown eyes. 

And it's Spencer. _The_ _Spencer Smith._ Which Brendon hasn't seen since, well since Ryan left and Spencer apologized for Ryan and then scurried out after him. Brendon had left seconds after that. He moved to New York and he kept contact with no one so he doesn't know if it's fair to say he was abandoned, or if he was the one who abandoned everyone. Pete was the one who found him first, then Jon. And they made him move to Chicago to stay with them, because apparently 'you look awful, you can't take care of yourself if you're all alone.' 

"Spencer," Brendon squeaks.

"Brendon, hi, Jon, hey." He smiles, sliding in next to him, so he was in between Jon and him. It was one of those half circle booths, so it was fine really. Just a bit nerve wrecking because Spencer was actually here, so was Ryan here? "It's been so long."

He nods, and takes a sip of his hot chocolate. It's warm and it makes him feel fuzzy inside.

"You look good," Brendon says, putting down his mug and smiling at him. Jon smiles and agrees with him, so Brendon feels comfortable.

"Thanks. Uhm, so do you. You do look like you could use some weight though." Spencer laughs, and it's clear and warm so Brendon laughs too. He feels Jon's hand rubbing his own and he's fine with everything. 

"We've been telling him he looks a bit thin." Jon grins, to which Spencer smiles and nods.

It's quiet for a moment, and Brendon considers it a comfortable silence. Where the three of them are taking a moment to catch up on the quiet and the lives are each other, of friends who haven't spoken or seen each other for awhile. Jon invited Spencer because they kept contact, he told Brendon. And anywhere Spencer goes, Ryan goes and vice versa. They're all just getting used to the idea of laughing with one another again.

"A bit too skinny." Spencer mumbles into the silence. And suddenly everything isn't so fine anymore.

"I'm fine, I don't need -" He tries. He really does.

"He hasn't been eating, or sleeping and he's been just not Brendon." Jon says. And fucking Jon, Brendon glares.

"It's about what Ryan said, right? You know he didn't mean it? He was just stressed out and he's good at writing down words, but not at saying them. You weren't a fatass Brendon, and you aren't one. I didn't know - when Jon said you were thin, I didn't know he meant you were skin and bone. God, Brendon, I thought Ross was the only one so skinny, but he's naturally that skinny. I don't think you understand how unhealthy you seem." Spencer talks, and talks and it's giving Brendon a headache. 

And he's suddenly beginning to understand why Jon chose the half circle booth instead of their regular one. So Brendon was stuck in between Jon and Spencer when they'd talk and he wouldn't be able to get away. And he suddenly really hates everything again.

"Can we not talk about me? I know Ryan didn't mean it." Brendon lies, because Ryan doesn't ever say anything he doesn't mean. That's why he never said 'I love you' to Brendon. "How have you been, anyway?"

Spencer frowns disapprovingly, but puts on a smile and talks anyway. 

In the end, they do end up lecturing him about how it's important to eat and to sleep and to take medication and how Ryan is a dick who Brendon should be very careful around because he's one sneaky bitch. Spencers words, not Brendons. But Brendon's not listening because finally, he'll be able to impress Ryan for once and Ryan maybe might even forgive him for being the way he was and take him back. 

He'd do anything Ryan wants. 

* * *

The next morning, Patrick and Pete are watching Titanic again.

"Where to, Miss?"

"To the stars." 

"You guys are really cheesy." Shane grunts from the kitchen. "Reciting the lines." 

"I bet Pete's the miss." Brendon asks and squeaks when Pete throws a pillow at him. "Okay, fine! Patrick is the miss." Then squeaks again when Patrick throws the other pillow at him, followed by whining from them both about 'wait, no, give the pillows back, we need them, brendon, come on B.'

"Nice going," Shane laughs, taking a seat on the couch. Brendon cuddles into his chest.

"Are you sure you want to see Ryan?" Patrick asks quietly. 

"I'm sure. I've been sure for too long." he replies.

* * *

The restaurant Ryan told him they'll meet at was pretty fancy. It wasn't too fancy, but it was enough for there the waiters to be dressed in suits, although not many of the people eating there were dressed so fancy so Brendon felt okay. There was some music quietly playing, and the chattering of the people was comforting. The sounds of forks and spoons scraping against the dishes was bouncing off the walls.

He was sitting alone, and there was a guy in the corner of the room who kept glancing back at him, dark eyes and a smirk tugging at his lips. He paid very little attention to the girl sitting across from him, although she didn't seem to notice at all. Needless to say, he was part of the reason Brendon has been blushing endlessly when waiting for Ryan.

"Brendon?" a voice asks, and it's a bit deep. Not too high, nor deep, and it's just perfect.

When Brendon looks up, his heart skips a beat, or it starts racing, Brendon isn't too sure which one. But he's sure it flips or something along those lines, because Ryan is standing above him, looking down at him with soft honey eyes and a smile taking over his face. His hair is not too long but it's long enough for the tiny curls to wrap around his ears halfway. 

"R - Ryan," he stutters slightly, face heating up.

And the next thing he knows, Ryan's arms are wrapped around him, but he can feel Ryan tense up and stiffen suddenly. He's not subtle about it either.

"Jesus, you're so skinny." He whispers, more to himself than to Brendon. He's staring at Brendon's wrists and his body, and when he pulls away, he stares into Brendon's eyes. "How are you - Why are you so -"

"I'm skinnier, I know. It isn't much, but I am." He smiles so wide because Ryan looks so surprised and shocked and he's finally made Ryan feel satisfied, at the very least.

But Ryan doesn't look all too happy in one second, and instead he looks in between a mixture of sad and angry and Brendon knows he fucked up. He shouldn't have eaten the pancake Patrick made this morning, because he's not thin enough. He shouldn't have stopped taking the weight loss pills. And he's upset now too. Because he thought he could make Ryan happy, but obviously he can't.

"Brendon - fuck. I can't ... I didn't mean anything I said that day. Have you not been eating enough? Is it because of me?" Ryan asks now, eyes watering.

"No Ryan. It's for you." Brendon replies, hopeful to make Ryan smile again. It had taken his breath away the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no intention of continuing this, but it's nice to write something so I came up with this.


	3. It Was Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you goo

It was quiet. 

And everyone was sitting in the living room, but no one was saying anything. The tension lingering in the atmosphere was almost too much, but that didn't stop Brendon from smiling and cuddling further into Ryan's chest. Everyone could observe, but no one would argue until Brendon made himself comfortable.

"You're back." 

"I am-"

"Why?"

"Let him talk." 

"No, he's the reason-"

"'He' is right here, just so-"

"Guys, we don't need-"

And there were too many voices all at once, and they were all mixing and blending in together. Ryan was trying to talk and he kept an arm around Brendon's waist but his grip was slowly becoming tighter and rougher as he became more frustrated with Pete and Shane. They kept arguing against him and blaming him for everything going wrong. Spencer was backing Ryan, and no one argued against Spencer because it wouldn't be nice to. Jon was probably high, but he had enough sense to try to calm everyone down. Brendon tried to speak, but he felt himself be pulled away from Ryan and Patrick was dragging him upstairs to his room.

"But Patrick, they'll make Ryan leave." He whimpered. 

"Ryan hurt you," Patrick replied back, eyes full of sadness.

"I'm not helpless, I'm twenty two and I could handle myself. Ryan left, but he's here now and he promised not to leave again. And I believe him. I love him." Brendon said, tears starting to fall because everything was supposed to better once Ryan was with him again. 

"Just stay here," Patrick said after a while. "Ryan will be up in a moment."

He left seconds after. Brendon laid down on his bed, and curled up. He pretended that the yelling and shouting downstairs wasn't real, and that Ryan was going to stay with him forever and ever. He didn't even care that he was getting his hopes really high up. The yelling didn't cease, and he realized staying upstairs would be a lot better than going down into the chaos and stirring up a hurricane. He was the main attraction of the problem anyway. 

Or maybe he just felt too weak and too tired to get up and face the problem. He just felt himself drifting to sleep.

~~~

In the morning, his bed was really warm and comfortable. And with eyes shut, he snuggled more into the warmth.

"What an easy morning," a voice chuckled.

Brendon's eyes flew open and he made a possibly embarrassing sound before realizing he was staring into Ryan's warm honey-colored eyes. He smiled and rolled his eyes at Ryan's amused eyes and the smirk playing on his lips.

"Morning, beauty. Oh, I mean Brendon." He grinned.

"How cheesy." Brendon laughed. How he loved Ryan.

"I figured it was rather sweet." He replied. 

"Oh, it was. Like a sugarcane." Brendon pecked his lips.

It was a quiet morning, and the curtains were shut, but some of the sunlight still slipped through from the designs on the curtains. The velvet sheets were warm and Ryan being there only made everything much more perfect. Brendon chose to ignore the heavy bags underneath Ryan's eyes. "Want me to bring you coffee?" 

"No, I'm fine here." He replied, wrapping an both arms around Brendon's waist. His curled around Brendon's body and snuggled his face into Brendon's neck, pressing a gentle kiss and smiling when he received a small giggle back. "You're so tiny."

~~~

"We have to talk." 

Brendon looked up from his plate and frowned when he saw Pete sit across from him and Ryan. Spencer came in a few seconds after, and sat next to Pete. And maybe Brendon felt a bit guilty that he became a bit happier because it was the perfect excuse to put his fork down and stop eating. So he did just that. And he felt everyone else gaze on him but he ignored them. "I can't talk if I'm busy eating."

"Don't worry, it's a short talk." Pete said, eyes lingering on him.

"Alright." Brendon replied, confidence lost.

It was silent for a few seconds and Spencer cleared his throat. He opened his mouth to say something before shutting it again. A minute passed and Brendon was growing restless, he shifted in his seat a few times before Ryan tapped his shoulder once, twice.

"Brendon, you need help." He finally said.

"I  _eat_ , Spencer. I'm better now."

"You need help." Pete emphasizes.

"Bren, you do." Ryan frowns, running his fingers through Brendon's hair.

"I did. I'm getting better, and you guys are all the help I need anyway." He says,

"Ryan, you can help Brendon a lot." Spencer sighs, "A lot more than we can at least. He'll listen to you."

"Hey! I listen all the -"

"Ryan, we missed you." Pete say, a soft smile on his face.

And maybe it was going to be okay, everything would get better and everyone would be so much more fine.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm tired


	4. Fallin' Again, I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its a late update

_"Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?" Donnie asked._

Ryan stretched his legs and shifted a bit on the couch, eyes never leaving the TV where Donnie Darko was playing. Ryan wasn't very familiar with the movie, but the concept was a bit confusing to understand so Ryan could say he was enjoying it. Brendon adored the movie, for whatever reason. He watches it any chance he gets, ya'know, when he's not too busy watching Disney.

But Brendon had gone to shower and he left the movie on, and Ryan had been too lazy to change it so he left it on. 

" _Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?" the giant bunny replied._

It was by far, one of the strangest movies Ryan had ever watched. 

"Brendon loves it," Pete said as he walked into the living room, "the movie."

"I noticed." Ryan replied.

Pete sat down on the other sofa and sighed, leaning back and relaxing into the soft cushions. His hair was a bit messy, but it still looked good on him, and he didn't look as tired as he did when Ryan had first seen him. He tapped his phone a few more times before putting it down on the coffee table and rubbing his eyes. Then he looked at Ryan, and they made contact. 

"He's always liked it. But I think he began adoring it when, you called him for the first time a while back. You called him while he was watching the movie, and he just got so happy and excited when he heard your voice over Donnie's." Pete smiled slightly.

Ryan hummed happily.

"He's getting better, I'm sure. How do you think?" Pete asked.

"Uhm. He's still underweight, and he still doesn't like eating more than a tiny bit. We're working on it though. He'll be okay pretty soon."

Pete hummed quietly.

"I mean, I never thought he'd take me so seriously, but God, do I regret that." Ryan whispered, shaking his head.

"Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. Yeah, what you said was fucking stupid, but you're here now and you're helping Brendon, so just stick around and be strong. Brendon had always taken your advice, and he would want to impress you. He cannot do that if you're both so low."

~~~

"Ryan, they don't fit."

It was a sunny morning, but that didn't mean it was a good morning.

Brendon had woken up and he had headed straight for the shower talking about how much fun they'll have because the sun was proving to be hitting everything and everyone. Ryan laid in bed as Brendon sang in the shower, but then the water turned off and half an hour had gone by and no sounds were coming from the bathroom, so Ryan began to worry. He stepped into the bathroom, and Brendon was just standing there, in front of his giant ass lavender framed mirror. He was just staring at his reflection, skin tight jeans and a shirt that would fit him if he wasn't so skinny. 

When Brendon made eye contact with Ryan through the mirror, he frowned.

"What do you mean? They fit fine, a bit loose, but they look good." Ryan said, he walked to Brendon and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"No," Brendon shook his head, "Look at my legs. And my hips."

"You look perfect, babe." 

"No, I don't Ryan."

They ended up staying inside all day. Brendon had grown frustrated with his outfit and had furiously tugged his pants and shirt off. He called Ryan a liar, and he began crying and mumbling about how sorry he was even though he didn't need to be. He stayed in bed the whole day, but he locked the bedroom door when Ryan went to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Ryan ended up sleeping on the couch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ideas ideas ideas!  
> ive had writer's block, and my laptop is kind of messing up honestly, so sorry for the late chapter. Schools also been pretty stressful but Ill try to update sometime next week!


	5. A Work In Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't do summaries what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late chapter!

Ryan wasn't home.

So Brendon was very bored.

"Sheesh, what died?" Shane asked, sitting on the couch.

"My brain. Ryan went out, alone, because he got mad at me." Brendon frowned.

"He just wants you to be healthy." 

"What do I do now?" Brendon asked.

"Eat."

"What if he leaves again?" His bottom lip began trembling. 

"He won't. He promised, didn't he?" 

"Yes but - "

"Brendon. He promised you." Shane repeated.

~~~

The house was quiet, and Ryan hadn't returned yet. Pete and Patrick were still at work, and Shane had disappeared. Brendon couldn't just call Jon to hang out either, because he was in Chicago with Cassie visiting her family.

So Brendon was home alone. 

"Ow, oops." He whined to himself, crawling up the final step and down the hall, into the music room. 

He crawled in and peeked underneath the tables, and sofas and CD shelves. Even under most of the instruments. He still couldn't find it. He looked around once more, on his knees before he stood up and glanced around. Nope, not there.

"Geez." He mumbled, turning around and stiffening before letting out a dramatic sigh. "Spencer Smith, don't frighten me that way."

Spencer laughed and stood up straight from where he was leaning on the door frame.

"What were you doing?" He asked.

"Looking for an it." Brendon replied casually. 

He glanced around once more.

"An it?" 

"Yes."

"As in what? An object or an animal?" 

"It's a bead bracelet. Ryan gave it to me when we met." 

Brendon walked out, and looked around the hall as if it would magically appear. He knew he didn't throw it out or anything. He had just not seen it since Ryan left, maybe because he might have been so upset that he threw it somewhere and completely forgot its whereabouts.

"Wait - you kept it after all these years?" Spencer tilted his head, grinning.

"Yeah. It was Ryans." Brendon blushed.

Spencer let out a laugh, and his blue eyes were bright with joy and amusement. What was so funny about it? It didn't matter, because a laughing Spencer can make anyone else laugh, so naturally, Brendon began giggling too. 

"Shut up, Spence." 

"That's really cute, honestly."

"I can't find it though, and I want it so I could show Ryan." Brendon admitted.

"No problem. I'll help you look for it." Spencer replied.

And so they spent half an hour more just trying to find the bead bracelet. Brendon grew more desperate and upset as each minute passed and it wasn't wrapped around his wrist, but Spencer continued to reassure him they'd find it. Shane had gotten home, caught them with Brendon sitting high on Spencers shoulders and searching through the cabinets - that were too high for anyone in this house - and blinked once before he walked off to his room confused.

"I found it!" He squealed excitedly.

"Hey, quit squirming, you'll drop us both." Spencer groaned, putting him down carefully. 

"Thank you Spencer!" Brendon cheered, and hugged him tightly. 

"No problem, you big dope."

Spencer hugged him back, and noticed how Brendons ribs weren't as sharp anymore and then really began to recognize the effort Brendon had put in eating what Ryan gave him or told him to eat. Spencer knew Ryan had felt responsible for Brendons eating disorder, and though it may have been a factor of it, he was here and helping Brendon get better. It was working too. 

It had been only a few months, less than 4 perhaps, and at first, Brendon had to forcibly get better because Ryan just didnt know what to do. But then Ryan created a healthy, constant and more careful and patient way for Brendon to finish his food. It had been helping apparently. 

"You're getting better and better." Spencer said.

Brendon blushed and shrugged, pulling away.

"Thanks. It was hard, and it still is. But .. I want to get better because I know Ryan doesn't really care about my size. Its still really hard sometimes, but sometimes I feel alright and satisfied with my body, so I allow myself to eat a bit more. Some days it gets worse, but it gets worse before it gets better, right?" Brendon bit his lip.

"Thats right. Don't let it cave you in." Spencer reminded him, and hugged him once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Battling an eating disorder is very difficult, but don't give up. Its very easy to cave in.  
> Its very easy to cave in to many other forms of self harm as well, so please don't give up. Keep yourself healthy and try to maintain a positive attitude and be careful. Don't let yourself fall into anything horrible either.  
> As cheesy as it sounds; you're perfect the way you are.


	6. I Thought We Would Make It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this late or early?

"Where's Ryan? Is he okay?" 

Brendon bit his lip, bouncing his leg impatiently as he stared at Jon speaking into the phone. Spencer was on the other line and he apparently was also with Ryan and no matter how many questions Brendon asked, Jon wouldn't reply. He understood that he was busy on the phone trying to get the information, but Ryan was his boyfriend and he had a right to be worried about him. 

"What do you mean?" Jon frowned as he ran his fingers through his messy hair.

He stood quiet, nodding along to Spencer's words.

Then he froze.

"You're kidding, right?" Jon asked as he narrowed his eyes at the wall, and walked into his room, shutting the door.

Brendon blinked.

He felt Pete put an arm around his waist and pull him closer, before he whimpered softly. He didn't know what was going on, but he wanted Ryan back. He said he wouldn't leave, and Brendon had kind of hoped he'd stay.

He could hear Jon talking through the walls, but his words were all muffled and nothing was really clear enough to understand what he was saying, or what they were talking about. He let Pete play with his hair, and even though he was warm and comfortable against him he still felt a deep longing for Ryan. He didn't leave because Brendon had gained weight, did he?

"Penny for your thoughts?" Pete said aloud.

Brendon looked up at him, a small frown decorating his mouth.

"I want Ryan to stay," He mumbled.

Pete gave him a small smile and poked Brendons belly, "Don't be silly. Ryan never leaves anything valuable behind. He would always take it with him. You know him, hes just really confusing sometimes, even to himself."

Brendon let out a small giggle, but that was it. He knew Ryan yeah, but that was a year ago, and so far, its only been a few months before he met him again but people change in a year. Maybe not as much in a few months, but Ryan is constantly changing his mind and thoughts. Therefore, his actions will also change. Whether its for the better or for the worse.

"Am I valuable to him this time around?" Brendon asked.

"What?" Pete raised an eyebrow.

"He left me behind the first time, do you think I'm valuable enough for him to take me with him this time?"

\-    -    -

Ryan returned later that day. 

While Brendon was sleeping though, so he didn't really get to say anything to him. He fell asleep after hiding on the couch from Patrick and Pete because they basically scarred him for life. Too much skin, not enough clothes.

But when he woke up, it was to the sound of Petes voice rising and it was directed towards Ryan. He didn't know what was going on, why Pete was yelling at Ryan or why Patrick and Jon looked pissed, but he didn't really care because  _Ryan came back._

"Ryan!" He squealed, jumping up and hugging Ryan.

"Baby, hey," Ryan grinned back, squeezing Brendon tighter.

Behind Ryan, he found Spencer leaning against the front door, eyes avoiding Brendons. So he whispered "hey spence" only loud enough for him to hear, and he watched a smile take over Spencers face. He beamed and leaned in further against Ryan, taking in his scent. It was weird, really sweet and it was kind of girly for Ryan but that was okay because Ryan was Ryan.

"Don't you baby him." He heard someone say. 

He felt arms around his waist, like he was being pulled away from Ryan. He wanted to hold on tighter, but it happened so quickly that next thing he knew, he was picked up bridal style and he was in Shanes arms.

"Give him back, Shane," Ryan said as he glared while Pete replied with, "Leave him alone, Ryan."

"Lets go upstairs, Bden." Shane muttered, already carrying him up every step.

"Whats going on, Shane?" He asked. 

He could tell Shane didn't want to have to be the one to explain because he tensed up slightly, before letting out a quiet sigh and sitting Brendon on his bed. The door was shut afterwards, and Shane sat next to him.

"Ryan went out to drink with a few friends yesterday." Shane began.

Brendon stayed quiet, silently urging him to go on.

"And he was completely out of it, got so drunk. That's why he hadn't come back last night like usually."

"No, but that's okay, he's her-" 

"He stayed at his girlfriend's house, Brendon." Shane whispered.

Girlfriend? No, that can't be right.

"He cheated on her with you, and he cheated on you with her." 

Ryan - what? 


	7. How You Treat Me

Ryan hadn't meant to hurt Brendon, he really hadn't. He just was so stressed about Brendon not listening to him and not wanting to eat as much anymore. He wanted a drink, and maybe got carried away because he ended up at Kelties house. 

He meant to break up with her. 

"Ryan, I've seen Brendon in some horrible states. I've seen him break down in clinics, in hospitals, restaurants, diners and the dinner table, you name it. I've seen him break down drunk, high and on pills. But never have I seen him be in so much pain, fuck Ryan. He's never been worse." Jon sniffled, eyes watery.

"Please, just let me see him," Ryan begged, "Jon, please."

"He won't even let me see him." Jon shook his head. "He barely leaves his room."

Ryan shifted, and now he was beginning to stress out more. Brendon had been doing so great, with his full but still flat tummy, soft full cheeks, big bright eyes. He had gotten better, gained weight and he had been just  _so happy._

Ryan had forgotten all about Keltie, but she had kicked him out of the house the night he called Brendon. He thought they were through. 

"He changed his number," Ryan whispered.

"Pete had him change it." Jon replied, "But he was all for a new number."

And Ryan guessed maybe he deserved that. Still, he hadn't wanted to hear someone confirm it. 

"Shit, how is he?" Ryan wanted to so badly to be around Brendon again.

"Not good." Jon rubbed his eyes. "He's not eating very much anymore. I went over there three days ago, and hell, he's lost weight so quickly. I walked in while he was eating though, and when he met my eyes, he just puked out everything he had eaten."

"Help him, Jon." Ryan pleaded, hands shaking.

Jon frowned, "He won't let me. He eats less everyday, and he's losing weight again."

Ryan really wished he would have just broken up with Keltie with words, and that he had not assumed she dumped him rather than making sure of it. Now hes lost Brendon and the trust he regained from everyone else.

"Ryan, you look sick too." Jon mentioned. "You should take care of yourself too."

"What?" He asked.

"As hurt as Brendon is, he wouldn't want to see you hurt. Maybe you're hurting the way he is. Him over you, and you over him."

\- & -

"Just half of it then." 

Brendon shook his head, arms crossed over his chest. 

"Brendon." Both friends repeated.

"Pete. Patrick." Brendon presented.

"Please, Brendon. At least half of the pancake." Patrick cooed.

Brendon shook his head, saying he wasn't hungry until it grew silent right after his stomach grumbled because he actually was so very hungry. He felt like crying, because now all he wanted to do was eat but he didnt need to before. 

_"It's Ryan's fault." Brendon cried before, "It's his fault I'm hungry."_

_"Brendon, he's the reason you're hungry, yes, but it's not a bad thing. It's thanks to him." Jon replied._

_Brendon wouldn't stop crying._

"But half is a lot, you guys." Brendon whimpered softly.

Before Brendon could object and try to get away, Pete sat next to him and began cutting the pancake in half, and he cut one half into tiny triangle bites. He glanced at Patrick and then at Brendon. 

"Go ahead, Brendon." He encouraged the youngest of them. 

Brendon stared at the pieces for a while before he picked up the fork, and one by one shoved them in his mouth. He held back from crying because he didnt want to disappoint anyone else and he wanted to still be okay. But he wanted to be skinny again. Maybe that's why Ryan wanted Keltie better, because she was pretty and skinny and maybe Brendon wasn't anymore. But what was Ryan's plan then? 

He considered maybe fattening Brendon up, just so he could break him again? Or maybe he wanted to see who could stay skinnier even if they ate more. And then maybe he picked who he liked best. 

"Good," Pete smiled, rubbing his back gently. "Good."

Brendon managed not to cry or throw up that evening. 


	8. How You Let Me Fall Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mixed emotions on this chapter,

"No."

Shane blinked. 

Brendon grumbled, crossing his arms across his chest. 

"But you love this movie." Shane replied.

"No, I dont." Brendon argued, "I hate that movie."

Shane squinted his eyes slightly, and tore his gaze away from Brendon and to the television in front of them. Donnie Darko had just begun and Brendon was refusing to watch it for some reason. He had always loved it before. 

He stared at it, then back at Brendon before holding out a bowl of popcorn. 

"I dont want any." Brendon said, glancing at the bowl and back at Shane. 

"Ill change the channel as soon as you finish half of this bowl." Shane stared back. 

He watched Brendons blank facial expression go through a series of emotions before he settled on an angry look. He glared at Shane, shaking his head slowly and reaching out to push the bowl away from him. He inched back into the corner of the sofa and curled up, eyes rolling back to the television. Shane stared, not surprised by the fact that Brendon would rather do something he clearly doesn't want to than eat a little bit. It wasn't a very big bowl. 

And Shane wondered what Brendon was thinking, what he feeling. But knowing Brendon would only part himself from them more and more as days passed, Shane sighed, sitting back and changing the channel. He did want to watch the movie, but Brendon would probably leave about halfway and not leave his room for a couple more days. He rarely comes out as it is, and when he does, he snacks a tiny bite on some food and retreats. He locks himself inside some days, not talking to anyone. He ignores the guilty looks Brendon throws him sometimes. 

Maybe if Brendon stopped distancing himself from everyone, he'd understand he's not only hurting himself. 

\- & -

He was sitting on his bed, currently. Phone clutched in his hands, screen bright and contacts beaming through at him. He was lonely, tired and he was sad. He wanted to talk to someone, and at this point, he only wanted Ryan again. 

He understands that Ryan cheated, and that Ryan had hurt him, but his heart clearly doesn't mind. Seeing as how it flutters with just the tiniest mention of Ryan's name. And he was debating on whether or not to call him. He tried to once, but it was a week ago and he hung up even before the second ring. He maybe spent the next few days coming up with excuses as to why he hung up so quickly.

The thing is, Brendon isn't stupid. He might be a little slow sometimes, but hes not stupid. He knows that he doesn't want to let Ryan get too close again, but he also knows Ryan will become his everything again. He knows he'll let Ryan in again. 

_"I dont know if I'm ready for that," He told Patrick._

_"That's okay." Patrick reassured him. "You dont have to be. Take your time."_

_"This is ridiculous. Shouldn't I be over this by now?"_

_Patrick smiled sadly and shook his head, "No one expects you to be. Think it through."_

It wasn't easy to know Ryan Ross. It was sure as hell tougher to love him. Half of the time Brendon didnt know whether he wanted to keep him for himself, or leave him be and allow him to find someone better. 

And unfortunately, as that thought crashed into Brendon's mind, tears sprung to his eyes. 

And he put his phone away, not thinking of calling anyone anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure if i'll redo it


	9. Pretending To Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sneak peek at Brendon and Ryan and how they're coping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've been absent for so long, I just kind of needed to straighten myself out. Uhm, I'll try to update this story more often, maybe every week since now i've been on summer vacation for about two weeks already. I have plans for this story so I will be continuing it! I'm quite surprised it's gotten such positive results, thank you all! I'm trying to get back into it, so this chapter won't be as interesting maybe. Drama will come soon!

His phone buzzed again. 

And again.

And again. Again.  _Again._

Brendon sighed silently, squirming to escape the bundle of blankets he was so comfortably hidden in. His phone was on the dinner table, but the house was so quiet and he could hear the soft vibrations whenever he received a new message. It was probably one of the guys just checking up on him since they were working, except for Shane, because he was at Regan's place. 

"I'll be with Regan, but if you need anything, and I mean  _anything_ ," he said, "You call me and I'll be here."

"Thanks, Shane." Brendon smiled.

It's been around three hours since he's been alone, and he's been seated on the couch the entire time. The television was on for a while, but he only really used it as background noise whenever he felt it was too quiet and he wanted to think. It was a habit he caught from Patrick, who caught it from Pete. 

He stretched when he finally untangled himself from the mess of fuzzy blankets and ran his fingers through his hair, fluffing it out. He huffed softly and took his time getting to the kitchen, wondering how he could hear those soft vibrations so clearly. He shrugged it off before even considering it cause he didn't actually care so. Upon reaching his blinking phone, he sat on a counter and unlocked it. 

_He's sorry._

_He didn't mean to hurt you_

_Brendon, can you please just stop ignoring him?_

_Please._

_Please._

Sighing, he gently tossed his phone back onto the dinner table, but not before turning it off. 

He needed a nap. Or something to drink. 

\- & -

Ryan blinked at the blank paper in front of him. 

He clutched his favorite sharp pen in his hand and played with it for a moment before sighing dramatically and tossing it onto the mocking paper. He couldn't think enough to write anything. He didn't have time for this. 

"Ryan?" Spencer called out. 

He grumbled back a response and rubbed his face with his hands, letting out another stressed sigh. 

"Ryan, take a break." Spencer came in, "Relax. Let's watch a movie."

"I  _can't_ , Spencer." He whined. 

"Why can't you?" Spencer asked, looking unimpressed. 

He just can't. He can't stop thinking about how he fucked everything up with Brendon and with his friends. He'd gained their trust, and he lost it so quickly to a stupid mistake. He lost Brendon. And he couldn't forgive himself for that. 

"I miss him." 

Spencer sighed softly, sympathy rolling towards Ryan in waves and he walked to Ryan's bed beside his chair where he was sitting. He put a hand on his shoulder before dropping it down to grab Ryan's hand and squeezing it gently.

"I know you miss him. But you're losing yourself." He said. "Don't lose yourself over him."

"I lost myself when I lost him, I think." Ryan admitted. 

He hoped Brendon forgave him. But he also hoped Brendon didn't, for the reason that he'd probably hurt him again. And then again.  _Again._ He always messes everything up and maybe that's why Brendon wouldn't want to forgive him again. He wouldn't blame him either. He didn't want to give up on Brendon, but it seemed as though as he was rapidly running out of options. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again; sorry for being so late!!


	10. Note

Gosh wow.   
It's really been almost two years now, words cannot explain how sorry I am. To those of you who supported this story, I appreciated it then and I still do. if you gave up on it, I understand that as well. 

I reread this story, and a few ideas sprung to my mind, although I am not sure whether or not anyone would like me to continue this. 

I'm still debating it, but I wanted you all to know I never really intended to abandon this story, I guess I just lost track of it and I have no excuse as to why I didn't update really. However, one main reason being my laptop was having problems before and it did end up breaking so that's that. I am currently updating from my phone and might continue to do so if I continue the story but I don't know as for now. 

any feedback? would you still read it if I continued this? have you given up on it?   
i don't know where I stand 

thank you nonetheless.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


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